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The Christmas Food Revolt

It started quite ironically

one brave chicken who fought back

but nothing could prepare mankind

for the Christmas Food attack

The Turkeys were the next to rise

They'd plucking had enough

of basting, roasting and having bums

with sage and onion stuffed

The spuds were next - both mashed and roast

sworn to kill us, those damn traitors.

King Edward led, officers born and bred,

themselves no common 'taters.

They roam the land, that starchy band,

striking planes, and tanks and ships -

It’s said if you don't keep your eyes peeled,

then you've really had your chips.

Even condiments have joined the fray

Black peppers launch assaults

boiling gravy rains as chaos reigns

in the Christmas Food Revolt.

The bloody gall of stuffing balls,

The cheek of beef and salmon,

Can they not just learn their rightful place,

These honeyed Ham and Gammon?

There's pigs-in-blanket bombing,

with Towns and cities hit,

with a cruel variant for Coventry;

Christmas pudding *and* the blitz.

Gingerbread Men drop gingerbread bombs,

A sickly cinnamon-sweet barrage.

And behind our lines, an army of Mince Spies

Committing acts of sabotage.

A battlefront of cakes and nuts

A thousand souls have fallen

Shallow graves marked out with candy canes

Their lives so cruelly stollen

The army have assembled,

Our foe won't join peace talks,

so, it's time to take the fight to them,

with spoons, and knives and forks.

Some veg conscientiously object,

"Give peas a chance", they implore.

But they number few, so only stew

their cries for calm ignored.

Where’s Santa when you need him?

Where’s trusty old Saint Nick?

The North Pole was the first to fall,

engulfed in Spotted Dick.

This'll be no trifling matter

how does one rout a sprout?

The only war on food and drink

should be when we're fighting gout.

The pheasants are revolting,

pigeons have staged a coup.

So, the call goes out to eat your greens

before your greens eat you.

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